I’m a whore, it’s my job. Every job has “occupational hazards” and mines no exception. Happened today, a job went bad, very bad. I won’t lie. It’s hurts like fuck, both physically and emotionally. Right now I’m a mess, will be awhile. Everything the anti sex work mob says about when things go bad is true, won’t try to deny or minimise it. It’s screws up real good. I got raped and assaulted, how could it not.
BUT
And there’s always a but. And in this case it’s a REALLY IMPORTANT but. Most jobs don’t go bad. Not even close to most, I’ve been doing this job well over thirty years. This is the seventh time I’ve had a job go that bad. I’ve seen thousands of clients, many thousands actually. And seven have raped and assaulted me. That’s a fraction of one percent. I have as close friend who’s a nurse. Done her job as long as I’ve done mine. She’s been assaulted well over a hundred times. I know a few bar tenders, for them it’s a regular, almost weekly, occurrence.
Yeah I have throw rape in with my assaults. Sometimes so do they. Yes mine always throw it in, but I still think my job’s safer than theirs. They’ve ended up hospitalised, stabbed, life threatening stuff, I never have. Broken bones, bruising and a some cuts are the worst I’ve had. Not that sex workers don’t suffer those things as well. They get murdered too.
So yeah, things went bad, I got badly hurt. But far from my first dance. I will recover. I’ll take the time I need to do so. Unlike my friends in nursing and hospitality, I can do that without any pressure to get back to work. I’ll only be seeing those regular clients I know and trust really well. That’ll actually help me recover, remind me how exceptional this was. One or two of them will probably want to hunt the bastard who did it down and “deal with him.”
I live in New Zealand, sex work’s decriminalised here. I could report this to the police. And they will pursue it hard, they’d want him off the street. I’ve done it before, that one got seven years. I won’t do that this time. That’s nothing to do with my being a sex worker. It’s to do with how the system treats rape survivors. I’ve been through that system three times now, only once to do with my work. My opinion, rape fucks you up real bad, having to survive the subsequent police investigation fucks you up even worse. Honestly seeing my rapist get seven years wasn’t worth surviving the trauma of putting him behind bars. Though as an aside, the judge went harder on him BECAUSE I was a sex worker.
So, yeah shit happens in this job. I have no illusions about that. But I will recover and it’s an exceptional thing. I know so many other long term workers who’ve never faced it. However the harsh truth is, no one who does this job can ever claim they aren’t aware of the risk. If you’re a sex worker you know this can happen and you know how badly it’ll hit you if it does. If you’re a whore, you get hard or you get out. And you do that very quickly. Do it even a couple of months and you’ll get enough scares or close calls to figure it out.
And me right now? I’ll be fine. I’ll get drunk, listen to loud aggressive music, do some of the angry scribbles I claim are art, thrash about in an imitation of dancing, maybe smash some crockery. Then I’ll talk it through with my therapist properly. From experience I’ll be up on my feet again in a week or so, pretty much back to myself in a month perhaps, and have it behind me mostly in six. Yes this hurt will never totally leave me. Like I said, I know the risks, and in this you get hard or get out.
There’s a song which I’m trashing right now. Has a lot of lines I feel appropriate. Natural by Imagine Dragons.
Nothing ever comes without a consequence or cost
That’s the price you pay
Leave behind your heart and cast away
Gonna make it
I’m gonna make it
Natural
A beating heart of stone
You gotta be so cold
To make it in this world
In this job you get hard or get out. I got hard, I’m a natural at this.
Dollar Girl Diaries 